For not telling them I cried
by whumpqueen
Summary: How does the team react when Jack comes back after TYTNW. Parts from everyone's Pov, some that overlap others that leave small gaps. A bit of Janto thrown in for good measure.Rated T for some language and a brief description of torture. i dont own TW.
1. Chapter 1

Jack was back, John was gone and now they had to avoid themselves, great. They were driving to a hotel to spend the night when Ianto got his first good look at Jack since he came back. His eyes and face were full of shadows, shadows that hadn't been there before. Somehow, Ianto got the feeling that jack had been away a lot longer than two months. As they were walking into the hotel, Ianto almost missed Jack flinch when the busboy brushed past him and touched his shoulder. Jack stifled the reaction in milliseconds and Ianto almost missed it, almost.

Owen didn't miss it, he saw the flinch and remembered the brief moment of terror that had flared in his bosses eyes when Gwen had confronted him physically. Owen had been watching Jack to see if he could figure out why he left, instead he discovered a vulnerability he had never seen before in his Captain. He didn't know what had happened to Jack but he was bloody well going to find out.

During dinner at the hotel's five star resturant, courtesy of the British Government no less, Tosh could feel Jack's eyes on her and when she glanced up she could almost swear she saw worry flash across his face. She watched for a moment as Jack's eyes flicked from face to face of the members of the team and she could almost feel his heart grow heavy. As the conversation droned on to the subject of Gwen's wedding she wondered if Jack felt out of place, as if he didn't belong anymore. She felt sorry for him and when she saw the pain in his eyes as he looked at Ianto she decided to forgive him for leaving but she still wondered what was causing him to act this way because it seemed to be more than just loneliness. _Had John Hart said something to him about us? Or maybe something happened while he was away, or maybe it was just guilt for leaving. _Tosh wondered. She hoped with all her heart it was the last one little did she know how close she was to the truth of it all and yet how little she could even imagine what her beloved Captain had been through.

As dinner continued and the group grew tired of her wedding talk Gwen thought she saw Jack's eyes close as if in rapture as he took a bite of food. _That couldn't be right, he had only eatten a carrot. He must be trying to tune out her wedding talk, _she concluded, carrying on with the meal and her completely onesided conversation.

When dinner broke up the girls went to have spa treatments and Ianto and owen went for massages. They invited Jack but he declined much to their surprise. He knew he couldn't handle any form of contact with another person at the moment, his memories of what had happened aboard the Valiant were too fresh. Images flashed in his mind of the Master, with his "toys", searing pain, death, the gasp of air as he returned knowing he had but moments before he died yet again. The loneliness of being chained alone and having to watch the world burn beneath him with only the distraught members of Martha's family allowed to be near him and the pain in their eyes as they heard him scream till his voice went hoarse over and over again. Jack snapped back to reality and as he walked to his room, his hand trailed along the wall stopping everyonece and a while to feel something, a knot in the wood, the smooth metal of a door handle. He rubbed a plant leaf between his fingers in passing, feeling the veiny rubberyness that told him it was alive, that he was alive. His eyes seemed to notice everything, the soft comforting beige of the hallway walls to the bright happy blue of the womans purse he had just passed. When he got to his room he stripped and went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, eager to feel the soothing warm water on his skin. As he stepped in to the rush of water he almost moaned with pleasure and closed his eyes and let it wash over his face gently. He stood there for hours and got out feeling more refreshed than he had in a long time and certainly more rested than a nap would leave him, he couldn't risk the nightmares that came when he closed his eyes and for once he was glad that he didn't need to sleep. When he laid down on the bed it felt so amazing that he was tempted to sleep but he knew if he did he would see the Masters face cackling, feel the pain and he was afraid he would wake back on the Valiant and this would all have been a dream, one that would torture him more than the Master ever could with his knives, burning metal or sick games because in this dream, if it was a dream, his team was alive, Ianto was alive.


	2. Chapter 2

They were back in the hub and Ianto could see Jack in his offce fixing things and putting everything back the way it was from where he was at the coffee station. Everthing was as it should be, almost. Ianto could't put his finger on it but there was something about the Captain that wasn't wrong, it just wasn't right. Little things about Jack's behaviour were different. He never had his back to a door, whenever he was in a room with someone he always kept a direct line of sight to them and sometimes a clear path to them and the door, and several times Ianto saw his hand stray to the gun in it's holster resting on his hip when anyone entered his office. The most disconcerting thing about this behaviour was that it seemed to be completely subconcious, as if these small defenses had become second nature during the time he was away. It concerned Ianto and made him wonder what could have possibly happened to him for these things to come easier to Jack than breathing did.

Owen really began to notice things about Jack that had changed the day he went weevil hunting with him. Earlier that day he had dropped one of his trays of medical instruments with a loud bang. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jack whirl around in his direction, hand at his gun ready to draw then relax when he took in the situation and realized it was only Owen. Then later they went after a weevil that had been spotted in the car park where Hart had showed up. As they were racing after the weevil Owen almost ran into Jack he he stopped suddenly. Jack was staring at a poster on the wall of the car park with a hatred in his eyes Owen had never seen before and it scared him. Moments later Jack seemed to snap back to reality and took off after the weevil before Owen could say anything. As he ran after Jack he made a mental note to figure out what about the Vote Saxon poster had made him act that way. After that, owen paid close attention to how Jack was acting. One thing he saw he almost couldn't believe, Jack avoided physical contact. Not just with strangers but with his own team as well. He would put his hand on someones shoulder but if someone even brushed against him he would flinch and jerk away slightly. There were other things, little things, how he acted in the presence of others, the exhausted look he had when he was alone and once Owen even thought he had seen Jack's hands shaking when he emerged from that hole he calls a bedroom. He needed to talk to the team about what they saw but first he had some digging to do.

Tosh saw it in his eyes, the look of a caged animal. She knew that look, she had seen it often enough in her own eyes to know she shouldn't bring it up. She was good at not confronting things, but that didn't stop her from wondering what had put that look in the eyes of their leader, what had happened to him that could change the strong, confident, unflappable Captain Jack into a caged beast even though he mananged to hide it most of the time. She felt so helpless, Jack had saved her from her own captivity and she desperately wanted to return the favor but what could she do. She had never seen the fearless leader like this before and it broke her heart to not be able to help, after all how do you help the captive once he is no longer a captive?

He was back, he was really back, Captain Jack had come back. A question popped into Gwen's head, where had he gone, but she pushed it aside. She was mad at him, no doubt about that, but she was overjoyed he had returned and his timing wasn't completely rubbish what with saving them from that blowfish sisterly love for him wasn't the only reason she was glad he was back, she no longer had to hold the team together, or gain the teams trust and confidence as leader. Jack was back and he was taking care of everything just like he always had and she could focus on her wedding.

Pain, burning pain. His whole existence was pain and nothing else. Knives ripping through his flesh, bit of metal sticking out of his body, a blowtorch searing him to the bone. Jack's eyes snapped open. He was laying in his bed in the hub and had only closed his eyes for a second. He wiped the sweat from his brow and climed out into his office. His hands were shaking, he took a moment to stare down at them and attempt to will them to stopp before Owen entered and he shoved his hands into his pockets. "Autopsy report on that bloody blowfish you shot" was all he said before walking out. They were still angry with him and they had every right to be. He quietly opened the report Owen had handed him and began reading, he didn't get very far. He saw the autopsy photos of the bullet wound and instantly dropped the report on his desk. His mind flashed images, himself bullet riden and gasping after the escape attempt, his team shot in the head execution style infront of him and made to beg for quick deaths, Ianto, screaming in pain as the Master shot him repeatedly but never, NEVER killing him, he didn't beg so the Master let his precious Toclafane tear him apart. Had to let them in on the fun was what the master sneered in his face. That was the only time he gave the Master the pleasure of seeing him cry, of seeing him broken and the Master just laughed.


	3. Chapter 3

Ianto walked into Jack's office with a fresh cup of coffee and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Jack look up. He saw the single tear that ran down the older man's face and the many more beginning to well up in his eyes. Ianto's heart broke at the sight of his big strong Captain crying, something he thought he would never witness and didn't think he could ever again without breaking into tears himself. Jack wiped his face before Ianto could say anything then got up and took the coffee from Ianto and took a sip of the hot liquid. At that moment the Rift alert system reported a weevil and after handing the coffee back to Ianto, Jack went off alone after the weevil, leaving Ianto standing there in a state of shock.

Owen looked up just in time to see Jack walk out the door and Ianto walk back to the coffee station with a bewildered look on his face. Wonder what that was about Owen thought. He dashed the thought from his mind and decided it was time to make his move and with that he got up and quietly made his way to Jack's office and over to the computer. He was relieved to find that Jack had left his account open and began to scroll through the messages. It was mostly Whitehall and UNIT personnel they had worked with during the time Jack was gone, then he came across a name he didn't recognize, a Doctor Martha Jones of UNIT. So he opened the email and read.

Jack, (who was she? NO ONE from UNIT is allowed to call him Jack)

I wanted to thank you for what you did for my family in that year (year?). Tish told me how you gave your life countless times to save them from the horrors the Master inflicted upon you (why do these people know Jack is immortal and who the bloody hell is the Master?). I also wanted to encourage you to tell someone what happened, one of your team (how does she know about us?), I have my family, they remember that year but you don't have anyone there that remembers. And don't give me any excuses about not wanting to tell them what happened to them during that year. They deserve to know, you should know that, and I understand it's hard for you, you watched them die (hold up one bloody minute, die?) but that gives you all the more reason to tell them, at least one of them. Promise me you will at least tell the one my mum told me about. She said you cried Jack, not once did you break during that year until you heard his screams of pain. They mean more to you then they know, HE means more to you (who is HE?). And finally as a doctor I am ordering you to tell someone or I will send one hundred UNIT psychologists armed to the teeth with psycho-babble to your front door. (damn she is good).

Love,

Martha Jones

Owen blinked as he thought over what he had just read, what had he just read? Had all of that really happened? Did they really not remember it? Was it RETCON? What the bloody hell happened? Owen sent the email to the printer and went off to find the rest of the team.

Tosh had no idea what was going on when Owen asked her to meet him in the conference room. She heard him say the same to Gwen and wondered what was going on as she made her way to the conference room. As she patiently waited in the conference room with Gwen, Ianto came in looking as confused as she felt and then finally Owen entered holding a piece of paper. "What is this about Owen? I have reports to write and a wedding to plan" Gwen complained. Tosh had not expected Owen's reaction. "I think you need to stop worrying about your stupid bloody wedding and see what is right in front of your eyes!" Owen snapped, tossing the paper in Gwen's face. Tosh watched as Gwen read, her eyes getting bigger with every line. She had the feeling that this was something they shouldn't be reading, something they weren't supposed to know and she suspected it was something she didn't want to know.

This can't be true Gwen thought; we aren't dead. I'm not dead. "What is this?" Gwen demanded in a whisper barely audible to those gathered around the table. "This," Owen said taking the paper and handing it to Tosh "is an email from a UNIT doctor to our own Captain Jack Harkness." "why are we reading Jack's email?" Ianto asked. That's Ianto always defending the Captain Gwen thought. Then Tosh handed him the email and Gwen sighed when she saw the color drain from Ianto's face. Putting aside her dislike of Ianto because of his past with the Cyber woman she could see the pain in his face that she felt in her heart.

Jack walked into the hub to find it empty. Where is everyone, he wondered. Then he saw them in the conference room and from their faces guess what was going on. They hadn't heard him come in so he went to listen to their theories. As Jack stood in the shadows he heard Owen say "come on, don't tell me you haven't noticed the way he's been acting since he got back. Something happened and if it wasn't that, then what was it?" Jack followed Owen's finger to the paper on the table then cursed himself for not closing out his email when he realized what it was. "What do you mean, has Jack been acting strange?" Gwen asked. "Has he been acting strange?" Owen repeated, "Are you blind Cooper? Haven't you noticed that he avoids any kind of physical contact and I don't think I've heard him do much flirting either? I mean come on; this is Jack we are talking about." Owen barked in frustration. "Owen is right" Tosh said softly, "he sometimes gets these looks, I can't really explain it. And have you seen the way he stares at us? Like if he looks away we will all just blow away in the wind." It was Ianto's turn to chime in, "That's not all, if you hadn't noticed he's on full defense mode but I don't think he realizes it and earlier I saw him…" Ianto broke off unable to finish. Jack moved farther back into the shadows hoping that Ianto hadn't seen him. He wanted to hear what they had to say and he knew they would never say any of this to his face. So he sunk into the shadows and listened as Owen said "I saw his hands shaking the other day and when I went weevil hunting with him he stopped to stare at one of those Vote Saxon posters. The look on his face scared me half to death but I have no idea why he did it." Owen threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. Jack decided it was time to confront this and he stepped out of the shadows with a single word.


	4. Chapter 4

"Torture," Jack said stepping forward. "Shit." Owen said, not because Jack had found out what they were doing but because of what he had just heard his boss say. Jack took a seat at the table as his team stared at him in disbelief. He could see the tears welling up in Ianto's eyes, Tosh's look of utter shock and heart break, and the rage Owen held in his ever tightening fist turning his knuckles white. "What?" asked Gwen, the only one who didn't seem to get the meaning of what he said. "I was telling Owen why I stared at that poster the way I did, torture." Jack replied in an offhand kind of way. "But you were only gone two months and that said it was a year!" Gwen said pointing to the email. "Two months for you maybe." Jack retorted. Ianto picked up on what he meant but had to ask to hear Jack say it, "how long was it for you Jack" Ianto almost whispered the question. The room grew still as they waited for his answer. "A little over a year." Jack replied. Again the only thing Owen could say was "Shit". "But how?" Gwen stammered. "Time travel, paradox, and the mother of all resets." Jack said. Gwen stared at him open mouthed hardly believing what he had just said. Tosh, who had remained quiet thus far asked a single question, one that everyone was thinking but didn't have the courage to ask. "What did she mean you watched us die?" Tosh asked in a half whisper, "Did you go to the future?" "Yes," Jack replied "but that wasn't where I saw you die, that timeline is gone now, it never happens." "What do you mean?" Ianto asked. Jack then proceeded to tell them the story of Utopia, the Time lords, Martha Jones and The Year That Never Was. Some things Jack left out, things he couldn't or wouldn't tell them. He spared them the pain of his torture saying only he died so many times he had lost count. He told them he watched the world burn but not that he could still hear the screams of the dying. He told them who Harold Saxon really was. But the one thing he couldn't bring himself to put into words was their deaths. "I watched you die." Was all Jack managed to choke out and the pain in his voice broke Ianto's heart.


	5. Chapter 5

After everyone had left to deal with their knowledge in what ways they could Ianto went to Jack's office. "Who was she talking about?" Ianto asked. "What?" Jack asked somewhat confused. "Martha said you cried for someone, that it was the only time the Master was able to break you. Who was it?" Ianto questioned. Jack sat down and said "I don't know if I'm ready to answer that question just yet." Ianto could see the pain dancing in Jack's eyes and said "I'm sorry." "What for?" Jack asked. "For making you re-live that." Ianto replied in a whisper. "I survived it once." Jack said with a forced smile then added under his breath, "barely." Ianto heard and wanted so much to comfort and embrace his Captain, his friend, his love, his Jack. But he didn't dare, he didn't want to put Jack through the pain he seemed to experience every time someone touched him. Instead Ianto stood staring longingly at Jack until the older man looked up. With tears in his eyes Jack reached out and pulled Ianto into his arms as he stood. Jack buried his face in the crook of Ianto's neck and whispered, "When you died, I lost all hope. Seeing you again…" he broke off with a silent sob and Ianto could feel the tears on his skin. Then Jack continued, "Seeing you is what brought me back." At this Ianto tightened his embrace as tears rolled down his own face. "It was you." He heard Jack say. Ianto understood instantly what Jack meant, that he, Ianto Jones was the one that had brought tears to the eyes of this amazing and strong and stubborn man and his heart sung with the realization that Jack meant what he said. "And Ianto, thank you" Jack said softly. "For what?" Ianto asked and Jack's reply shattered his heart into a million pieces. A new wave of tears rolled down Ianto's face as Jack whispered into his shoulder, "For not telling them I cried."


End file.
